120. There is Power in Silence: 5 Ways to Remain Authentic When You Have Something to Say
Do you think about authenticity? It's about being brave enough to be yourself and genuine enough to live, according to your values. And I think by that definition, people say, well, then that gives me the right then to share all of these things that have happened to me, but then it's not necessarily sharing every intimate detail of your life, or your deepest darkest, secret to the world. I think a lot of things have to be considered before, going out. And speaking, in that way, Welcome to the spiritually, hungry podcast. Today's topic is oversharing. Mmm, you might have titled it. Something else, what would you have titled today's podcast? Well, I think it's about being thoughtful and what we share, right? And as a special is really to judge it, judging others. So in a word judgment, it's not a secret that people have voracious appetites for reality TV, tell-all biographies and autobiographies the more salacious the better And just those words they sound like, ooh, tell me more. Tell-all books are a good example of oversharing and are often motivated by a desire to feel Vindicated. I also think in some way it's to take back your own power. Like if you tell your story, especially if you don't. Like the way other people are telling a story about you. We're creating a narrative for you. This is a way to kind of claim that back but there's a way and a time to do it. It's one way of sharing your truth or at least your side and getting last word in a very public forum. So you're awesome Babe. Mrs. Examples Melania and me the rise and fall of my friendship with the First Lady by Stephanie walk off. I haven't read it. I am glad my mom died by Jennette. McCurdy was terrible. It's about her struggles as a former child actor, including Eating Disorders addiction and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother. Yeah, it sounds pretty bad and latest spare. I am assuming she wrote that book after her mom died. Yeah and the latest is spare by Prince Harry. By a desire to tell his side of the story and it disclosed details of a physical altercation with his brother explains. How Megan was the victim of a smear campaign orchestrated by other members of family to deflect attention from their missteps and in 1992. Ronald and Nancy Reagan's daughter. Patty Davis published her tell-all biography, the way I see it where she shared some unflattering portrayals of both. Her parents, I find this one. Very interesting, not so much. I didn't read that book either. But what I wouldn't, yeah, but, but what she came to understand after she wrote it, that's kind of what I found to be really inspiring. So recently, Patty was interviewed, and she expressed regret over that book. And in her own words, she said my justification. I am writing a book. I now, wish I hadn't written was very similar to what I understand to be Harry's reasoning. I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to set the record straight naively. I thought, if I put my own feelings on my own truth out there for the world, to read my family might also come to understand. Better. So Patty is regarded as a common feeling that many people experience, after they have over-shared, people frequently come to regret their oversharing. And I think that it doesn't just have to be in a publishing platform, right? Of course, it's through social media, most of us, probably have a friend, or a parent who overshares. And I have also sat next to strangers on a flight where I have discovered more about them than I have. Even some of my own friends, right? I mean oversharing isn't necessarily a problem and that's you. Rather, enjoy that, enjoys that. But I think what we're focusing on is what it's -. But it's — yes I think in my mind of sharing usually is no, but if you say I mean we all just people who like to talk and you know I often have this conversation with, with our older daughter, she likes to talk and I will listen and lesson. Of course, I looked up what oversharing is defined as the dictionary. And here is the definition and actually it's very new word that hit mainstream usage in 2000. It means the disclosure of an inappropriate amount of detail, about one's personal life. So inappropriate for me somehow sure. I mean, again, I think again but the focus I think of today's podcast is when it's saying something negative about somebody else. I would even, even if you're saying something about yourself, that's a much lesser degree discuss, whether you should have shouldn't. Well, I think with oversharing, I think it's what's behind it. I don't I think when people overshare usually it's not for the right reasons. So again, in my view, it's more of an egg. — I think it's often for people who don't feel seen or heard, or they feel like it might be a way to create intimacy, and it's really not, sometimes it's a deep in a relationship artificially, right? Instead, of letting it progress, for instance, sometimes, I think it's a set. The story straight, like people going to say, I am speaking my truth. And finally, I am going to speak my truth. Usually comes right before. Something that's going to last here, — right. It's a way for the ego to say, I am going to get the last word in, so I think that, that usually over Not always, but usually, that's how I see it. So I thought it was I was actually reading the New York Times, editorial. That Patti Davis wrote. And I want to be really clear to all of our listeners. I know myself. I don't think Monica were taking any position or opinion about the book spare or about Harry or about me. I think all that, you know, I personally have no opinion that I would like to share about any of that, right? No. It's be seeing something said in a very public way that struck our curiosity. T, right. And most importantly, with Peta gave if thing, but it would Patti Davis did, is, I think is a very strong lesson for the moment that we feel we need to, or want to judge somebody else or say something very negative about them. So what would really struck me was the beginning of her essay. During the early stages of my father's Alzheimers where she's talking about her father, Ronald Reagan, the former president when he still had to lose. Lucid moments, I apologized to him for writing an autobiography many years earlier in which I flung open the gates of our troubled family life. He was already talking less at that point but his eyes told me he understood. I thought of that moment when I read that Prince Harry in his Memoir wrote about his father King Charles getting between his battling sons and saying quote please boys, don't make my final years of misery and quote Time is an unpredictable thing. What will someone's last memory? Be, I had the gift of Time With My Father, which allowed me to apologize, even though it disease, hovered between us and clouded our communication King Charles's words, reveal a man who is aware of his own mortality and would like his offspring to be are very aware of it as well. And I think this is the key Point, sometimes in this gets better with age. Sometimes, sometimes it doesn't But this need and that we off a person often has, which is to say, I need to tell the world or even just this one person. This terrible thing that sets this other person did to me. So what I am going to make what I think is really to make really clear up there are times when yes, if somebody really did you terrible harm and you need to stop him this many rights? There're many times that speaking out is the right thing to do and that's probably ten to twenty percent of the times. We're talking with the other 80% of times when you Have an internal need or just desire to speak negatively about other people and I think what Patti Davis is saying and sharing which is such an important lesson. Is that some so often we will do that? And then look back and regret having done that. And this isn't even before we start speaking about this in a spiritual way, hurting another person for a purpose that does not benefit. That does not benefit is not something you want to do. Because most likely, if you are thoughtful spiritual person, Will come a time when you will look back and regret it and sure. It's interesting. As your speaking is Malala, yousufzai, right? She spoke out against the Taliban. Of course, that's clear. But she also had a purpose in doing. So, of course, to stop certain things to give voice to other girls that were just, like they're heard that didn't have a voice of their own. It wasn't just for this. Even if it was in that case, right? But it wasn't just for the sake of saying, look at me, look, what's happened to me this person and then what, right? And not giving the other person to speak their truth because Speaking truth. There's always two sides. Right? What I mean, I don't know if I would use the Taliban is the other side. It's just I am just thinking about those that speak out and speak up. It could be any, you know? But I think it's not just about for the sake of, I am going to say this horrible story about, okay? But there are tons. And that's the right thing to do. I mean, we can think of it, you know, I don't like using names, but we can think about certain people who were happy that people spoke up in the old. They did was that this person is a terrible person because he did these things and that's sometimes it's the right thing to do. Sometimes, but I think for most of us in life, when we speak negatively about other people, when we judge other people, it is not in such a pure and clear way. It is something that if we think about it and after a few minutes, after a few days after lies after a few years, that's my go-to regrettably years. So I would like to read a little bit more from herpes, and I do recommend our listeners. Really, it's very New York Times about a week or two ago, she says, years ago, someone asked me what I would say to my younger self, if I could without hesitating, I answered, that's easy. I would have said, be quiet, not forever, but until I could stand back and look at things through a wider lens until I understood the word that words have consequences, and they last a really long time. Time. Silence gives you room, it gives you distance and it lets you look at your experiences more completely without the temptation to even the score sometime in the years ahead, Harry made look back. As I didn't wish he could unspeak, what he had said. I have learned something else about truth. Not every truth has to be told to the entire world, people are always going to be curious about famous families and often the stories from those families can resonate with others. Give them insight into their own situations even transcend time. Since the flame flutters at the edges of Eternity, but not everything needs to be shared a truth that silence can teach and I think for all of us I would ask our listeners right now. Take a moment out to think about a moment this week, maybe even today when you said something or even in your own mind, you judge somebody else. And the question that I would ask is what positive benefit does. That whole? Maybe Patti Davis has a very strong point, which is sometimes Times. You don't have to speak the truth. Sometimes hurting somebody else with your words is worth waiting for. I think people get sometimes confused between being authentic right. Again speaking their Truth Versus does everything that I feel necessarily need to be said if you think about authenticity, it's about being brave enough to be yourself and genuine enough to live, according to your values. And I think by that definition, people say, well, then that gives me the right then to share all of these things that have happened to me. But then it's not, Not necessarily sharing every intimate detail of your life or your deepest darkest, secret to the world. I think a lot of things have to be considered before going out and speaking in that way, right? And I think authenticity, most importantly, has to do with yourself, you know, one of My father's teachers, the greatest teachings. He spoke about the purpose of spirituality and as some of the others, probably know. My father really continued on an organization that was created by his teacher and actually two generations back rubbish like his teachers teacher, and he said, why did we create this teaching spiritual teaching organization? He said for only one purpose, he says, because we found, we saw that people were using When called religion, when call it spirituality, as a way to separate people as a way, for one person to say, I am right? And therefore, this other person, you must be wrong. And he said, they completely missed the purpose of the original purpose. Of spiritual of religion, certainly, the purpose of spirituality, and that is only one thing. Only one thing to focus, all of our energy and attention inward on what changes Transformations that we have to make. And if you truly understand how much work has to go into creating the elevated, state of yourself that you're meant to be, you don't have any extra time to be looking outside and judging other people or speaking negatively about other people. And I think again often certainly religion but even spirituality can be used as, in many other things can be used as a way for me to feel better about myself, Visa be somebody else and that can often lead to judgment, and then speaking negatively about them, when in reality, I think it's so important. True spirituality leads to really mainly one thing I am constantly looking inside, finding ways, to improve myself, to better myself. And if I have any To go around, it's only focused inwardly. I think that the process of, if you're really being authentic and something has happened to you, I think going Inward and taking that to heart and considering why it could have happened, what the learning is and what even the gift is and have it. Then when you tell the story after you have gone through that process, you still might bring up some of the stories and some of the examples, but the telling of it will be very different because of your understanding of why it happened, what was the benefit for you? So it's not so much that you Aunt speaker truth or tell the things, the tails, the stories that have happened to you, because if there's been a great learning for you, and you have now grown and changed because that's happened doesn't make the other Behavior, right? But from that space, I think sharing it, it comes off very differently because to your point, you're not judging the person necessarily, you're not judging why it happened. You have now seen it as even a benefit in some way and then sure tell the story for the purpose of sharing the bigger picture. Absolutely. It only that I would add, is that the potential that each one of us is has so great. Every single one of us myself, you everyone of our listeners. But that potential will never be achieved. Then ultimately the purpose for which every one of our souls came to, this rule will not be achieved to the degree that we didn't spend time looking outward. If and I think this is, maybe one of the reasons why we don't spend enough time looking inwardly. And we do have the time to look at other people is because we don't really comprehend or accept how much greatness we have within us. Many of us might think, well, you know, I am doing pretty. Okay. I am close to, you know, revealing my potential. Mmm, You know, living my life in a pretty good way, that might be true, but the distance between who you are and who you are meant to be is so great and it's not possible to have extra minutes hours days to be looking at other people. I think that's if you live your life from that point the other people in what they have done wrong, is that what you're saying? Right? Right. Because it's not even so much looking inside and saying, oh I did this or that wrong, it's just that I have so much to do and yes, that entails Change and an inward reflection, but my marathon is so long. I can you imagine a person? I have never run a marathon. You have somebody running a marathon. All he, or she does the. Most of it is look around at the other Runners. You know, how fast they're running, how slow they're running. Of course, they'd get distracted. Never get to the end. There's a step before that though. So step before a person has to sort out their feelings around, what's happened to them before they can stop focusing on that external right? When we blame when we look at other, More focused on all the things that we shouldn't be focused on. It's really because we haven't figured out how to make sense of what's happened to your example of running a marathon. If you're really done the training, right, you have prepared you have eaten. Well you have done everything that you need to do, all the steps they say to take before you actually try to run 26.2 miles here. You're not going to run the race to be like, oh my God, that person's bastard. Look at that person, that you're so in your zone, right. But to get to that place, some kind of transformation as to go. I mean, I know that when I have still been in the thick of something, right? Something that it's happened to me, somebody that's done something wrong to me. And, and really, it was wrong, right? When I had felt the need to speak about it. I closed my lips, even tighter because I knew whatever I said, would not be to my benefit and it would not be. It would bring me down later and only when I didn't feel the need to talk about it, could I talk about it from places, I went through that transformation, so I think that it's important to really Yes, don't compare, don't look outward, but I think that, that part of these things have happened, whether you find yourself in a family, that's not great or an environment, that's not great, or whatever it is, try to find the silver lining like, what is it, that, who have you become or who do you want to become in spite of that or because of that? True but also I will be there, right? And then second to that must be it understanding it. I have so much work on myself to do that. It would be silly for me to waste any time looking outside of myself right now gets tricky. Because what do you mean? I have worked on myself today. You're the one that hurt me, and I am the one who has to do my work. But again I do think we have to break it down because we're talking about. I mean if you read any of the books I can't say all of the ones but if you read some of them so you will hear a story like that's a horrible thing. Thing whether it's all Truth Or Not truth or whatever. But then the person has to go through when you write from Pain and you haven't made sense of the pain. It comes out as pain. It comes out as judgment. That's my experience of that, right? And that's why, when I don't write about anything and I write about a lot of personal things, but I don't worry about anything until I have seen the gift in it and the, and the beauty in it. That's beautiful. I am just saying that because I am just saying that, that is something that I think each person has to decide to do. And when you do choose that, then all of a sudden, And you will tell your story, but the story will sound very different. It will feel very different. He will be received and different, right? And I would, I know, I think there's a few important spiritual understandings that also will hopefully help repel us from spending time. Looking outside. You have to understand that when where our thoughts are is where we are. So imagine a person who is spending the time, looking at that person or this other person in judging the Them in having negative things to fix things negative, things about them and says negative things about them. Only one thing happens from that you that person who is involved in looking at — tivity than others are doing again, when it doesn't have a purpose. Of course, there are times when it has a purpose but most of us, I think, if we're honest with ourselves, it doesn't have a Positive Purpose. You are putting yourself in a negative State. You're putting yourself in a negative State. Who wants to be connected to Darkness? Who wants to be connected to lack? Who Wants to Be Connected negativity? Well, nobody does of course, but you have to When you are actively looking at another person in judging him or her, the lore says, saying something negative about another person. You are actively putting yourself in a place of darkness and place of negativity. So then don't wonder why? This is thing that I need or I want to achieve that are want this blessing. I want these accomplishments not happening. Well, how much time do you spend attaching actively? Attaching yourself to negativity. And that simply means how much time do you spend? Spend thinking negatively with others by the way. Also, — speaking — thinking negatively about yourself, but to understand that even about the negative things that happen to you, right? Right. By the way, how many times do you know somebody where, you know, it makes sense for them to share but not all most often becomes their entire narrative that pain and that's all that they can talk about their whole world revolves around it. Again, there are times and places that there is healthy that is helpful but often it becomes Comes a narrative that a person gets stuck in. And again, the danger in this world, I hope to, to awaken for the listeners. Exactly. Is that about right or wrong? That's not what we're saying at all. Or not. We are not judging any situation or any story. Exactly. Just how do you want your life to be? And how do I feel? Why do you want to be attached to write? Do it be attached to the negativity, lack and pain, or do want to be attached to light and blessings and goodness. Well, you choose, you choose by being mindful of what you Talk about other people. Also, as we said, mindful of what you think about yourself, mindful of what you're saying about other people tell other people what you're saying to other people about yourself, all of that is determined itive of where you're going to be what energy, what I have been told, you're going to be attached to, there's a quote that I love it, and it's not just about the specific about it after a certain age. I think it's 40. It's in bad taste to blame your parents but you can take that to anything, right? It's bad. Taste of blame yourself to blame? Others is a matter. What you keep it at some point, they should outgrow that, right? And the only way to outgrow that is to grow into Yourself and who you're meant to become, absolutely. And then related to that, there's another very important spiritual understanding and I hope really to, you know, awaken enough desire within all of us to really fight against that inclination to again, either. See, negativity within others, the negativity within ourselves is that we know that what is, what we call the light of the creator that energy that sustain that energy that when we can. Blessings in our lives. It behaves with us. Exactly as we behave there's a famous teaching. It says that the light of the Creator is like a shadow. So a shadow moves exactly as the person moves. So to the light of the Creator, behavior of the person. Exactly. As he or she behaves, it should be a scary or an exciting thought, right? So if you are judging another person, that means that you are drawing into your life, the force of judgment for negativity that you have done when you speak negatively about, The people you're drawing into your life, the force of judgment. So it's not just, oh, it's this is a second level, it's not just, as we said before that, you are attaching yourself to negativity and lack when you are judging other people. When you are speaking negatively about other people, but you are actually drawing judgement upon yourself for things that you have done. And I will take that one step further and I hope that many times. Yeah that's deep. It isn't very important. The great cabin is about shouldn't of says the following A person is never. We know there's a concept of cause and effect, that if I heard somebody else somewhere down the line in my life, next day. Next week, next year, Next Generation. Next decade somebody's going to do the same thing to me in similar fashion, cause and effect, cause and effect for every negative action has a negative effect. But he says the following thing. There's a caveat to that spiritual truth. No judgment. Even one that you have a way, the person has awakened will ever come back to them unless they judge somebody else for the same thing. Yes, say that again. So, let us use an example. Let us say I am going to do you like these examples. I slap somebody in the face, right? What, that means and it from a spiritual standpoint, that at some point in my life? So he's got to slap me in the face, figuratively, physically, whatever. But that judgment, that effect of Action will not come into my life unless I see somebody else slapping other person afterwards. And then I say that's a terrible person who just did that's a terrible thing that person did. When I judge somebody else for that action, that I have done, then the Judgment or the effect can become manifest in our lives. But you're saying, if you never say you stop somebody, but you're in and then the next day you see me slap somebody, you don't judge me. I will never have it on my family and That's so you're saying you won't have any effect from exactly what you did even though it was — absolutely. Does that make sense? How so had that? How do you pay back for that? We're talking about. I know, but I will talk about story of Topia where I think I don't want to. I don't want to die. No, you don't take responsibility for that. Because if you are able to forgive other people for that same action and not judge it, then you will cannot and will not be judged for that. That's the way the system works. You are. There's only murder somebody. I know you don't like when I do that, but if it's a truth, it has to be a truth. How does that explain it to me? Obviously, they are extreme cases such as murder, but those in that, that, that they are so heinous on their own great that the effect, Just come into that person's soul and life. You must say this because we have responsibilities. I mean, Michael Berg just that I can do whatever I want and not have any effect of. I don't judge. You see what I am saying? I see exactly. Which is, let us unpack that again. So, the slapping bit, right? Not that you have ever slept in bags? Now, you're getting a reputation. Should I slap? I have no, I will try to remember to have Iris left. There's play slapped. Yes, we have always said we're to call Child Services, Kyle. What are you talking about? So no effect, if you don't judge somebody for doing the same thing, know which is, which is crazy on the one hand, but it's also makes it makes logical sense. If I am only acted upon as I behave, that means if I never judge another person for anything, then I can never be judged for anything. That's the way the system works. It's funny. This is the most likable people. Don't judge. Exactly my favorite like we because I was just thinking, we know a lot of people have done a lot of like hmm. There's nobody, we do have a really clear. No. No. But we are always like, and then they're not that hard on, I mean, you know, and their easygoing about other people and it is like this way of a lightness is why I like to think of myself as somebody who's really very hard to judge other people. And I don't think because it's not just people, who have done really terrible things, but I think we're both really aware. I would work on Hypocrites, are the ones on terrible things. I have terrible job. I think we're really aware of that. Reality right, that anybody can do anything. And that there's no point in judging and I really used to judge myself. So harshly, and I learned to not do that anymore. So now, yeah, it's like nothing really surprises me and I think that everything is possible. And therefore, why, what's the point of judging? I mean, human beings have two sides, right? And as we said, I have been telling though, it's also been dangerous. It's dangerous for us to judge other people. It's dangerous to speak negatively, but others, it's finally, I remember a quote, I was watching we, when we flew back from Los Angeles this week, watching The Italian Job and Oh, maybe like 2005 and there's a quote in it. Where one of the characters says to the other I was you know you never trust anybody but no I trust everybody just don't trust the devil inside of them, right? What's like the point is everybody is capable of anything at any given time. So the Judgment thing, I mean, if you're aware of that, what's the point of judging? Yeah, and there's two very important teachings quotes that I from 2000 years ago, from the great kabbalist, that I try to live my life, based on one of them is from Greek, a bliss. You're showing piraka Joshua who said have we done it called Haddam, look up, scoot whenever you're seeing looking at somebody as always judge them favorably and I think that's a very good rule to live by. It isn't very hard but once you start gets easier but it is it's not easy at first and second is Alta, donated a much of the girl in Como. I would have a heart attack which means don't judge. Another person until you have the same experience. They had, which I think is one of the Biggest fallacies of judgment because what did ya Walker? Exactly so often that concept of until you walk in their shoes which means nobody has had life experiences. I have had nobody, some people might be similar, some people might be close, I would have percentages of it and this is the way, this is where my mind always goes. I see somebody Behaving Badly. My first thought is, well, you know, I don't know where he came from, sometimes I do know, and it makes, you know, we're not. I don't condone that behavior, but I can't bring myself to judge. It just seemed so silly for me to say because Judgment at its core is a terrible mistake. Because what it's saying is, Uh, time. But the individual is saying, when he or she is judging somebody else's. Is that they are behaving in a way that I would not behave, but that is only true if they have lived the exact same life as you have, if they leave the completely different life. Well, then their behavior is exactly in line with who they are. And if you had lived their life, you very likely would be doing exactly the same thing, a hundred percent and therefore Isabel their experience of Life Is invisible to us. But we act like we know and if we're judging this is ridiculous, it's really besides it, and we set up until now has dangerous. It's also ridiculous which I think brings me to another related very important concept. I was sitting with some friends a few weeks ago, and we were talking about the way I view a spiritual teachers role and for me it's a very Delicate and important balance between, I will use myself as an example. Yes, I have studied for 40 years and I have certain level of wisdom. I study all the time and I teach all the time and write books and so on and so forth. But I know and this is true of anybody who's really studied wisdom. The more wisdom, you study, the less, you know, you know, there's a great cat, I have one quote, the great kabbalist Italian capitalism Hollow says that the ultimate goal of study is to understand that you don't understand anything. And that's true, that's clear to me, the more I study, the more it becomes clear to me, how vast wisdom is understanding is and therefore, whatever understanding I have come to after 49 years, is, is a tiny fraction of the total reality. And what that means, that what that necessarily means is that my view is just that a fraction, I hope a fraction of truth but a fraction of Truth. It always scares me when you hear people talk. That they have the truth, they don't know for sure. And you know, it's funny because I listen to a lot of podcasts and I always enjoy very smart people talking about topics that they know a lot about, but when I start sensing that in their mind, they know everything that there is to know and their view I can listen, I can't, I will again, I will listen endlessly to somebody really smart comment, something he read, he or she really knows. But when you start getting the sense that they're, they know it all, you know, they can't know for sure. They know very little. It was like, the surgeon I went to I am absolutely certain that this, and I was like ahh as soon as he said that I was like pie. I couldn't even hear the rest. If you're so certain about something that there's no way you could have certainty of nobody could have certainty about this thing. You haven't opened my foot up yet like know exactly. And which going to Leading back to judging others and speaking negatively about others? The only way that's possible, if you're being honest with yourself, is if you're saying, I know everything, I know his or her life under the entire situation, I know, always what's right and wrong and this person is behaving wrong that incident at all and you considered all you can't possibly consider. Can you't possibly know it all? Because you're going through the lens of your emotion. And by the way, our hearts and our minds often don't even speak to each other. How can we understand the hearts and minds of others? So, and usually, right, we make decisions only on our emotions or only in our minds, right? And if they're not speaking, To each other, you find yourself where, you know, 10 years that you will regret what you said, or how you acted or what you did. Absolutely and through, therefore, I would really in this is true, but all things, it's an important understanding in life. The humility of my understanding, every single one of us should live our lives with the ability of our understanding and therefore, how can I pass up the judge? Really judge another person. How can I possibly speak? Negatively about another person? I know so little, I see. So little even about myself, even about myself others, it's ridiculous. It's really, really being a judgmental person is being a ridiculous, being ridiculous, life and related to it, or judgmental. Don't realize they're being judgmental the most. But again, I think we're hopefully, you know, our regular light on what that but also for our listeners, we all, you know, we all, it's all a percentage is right. We all judge to some degree or another, but you had the, I want to go back to the point that you touched upon, which is The fusing of our emotions and our feelings with reality. And there's a two separate things. You know, I was actually reading something today. We're somebody's running about the fact that they ask somebody. How was that movie? And the person that was a terrible movie. You can't really say that. Right? You could say, I didn't enjoy experience of. It was exactly. I didn't enjoy the movie. I can't say it's a terrible movie because I don't know what everybody every other 8 billion people in the world with their right? There might be one other person for whom he, he She watches the movie or another 100 million people who watch the movie, and they say we love this to my co, it walked by a restaurant once and the food smelled goes walking with somebody's like oh that looks really cute and it smells good. You're going to hate it. Now you're gonna hate it. It's horrible. I was like hmm. What kind of food do they had? No. Don't even worry about what they serve that. You're going to hate it, and I was like just for that. I am actually going to go eat at that restaurant it. Ya like it. How was it? How? No. I mean, how can you answer that without knowing? I mean, she's not me. Exactly. And that's whether we I always had this pet peeve. When we go to restaurants and people asked the waiter, what do you recommend? And to my mind, that's very silly question because you don't know what his take his or her taste. The waiters days compared to you because the question when I asked the waiter is from your experience of what people have ordered, what do you get the most? But that's not good often people ask. Well, when I asked the question, that is why, because they would hurt. They would hear enough of this is our most popular dish. And I say, why is it so far? Garlic. So then I would know that I am not in that group, but I think it's getting information. Yes, yes. But again, I would be very specific. I would say when people ask the waiter, what do you like, not? What is popular? There's just not a bad question because that's an objective answer. Hopefully, or you know what, what do you tell them about the taste profiles of different dishes, but most, but often people do in this is my pet peeve, exactly, exactly. But any be that, as it may Me, the point is and this I think is a very serious point. Our perspective is just that our feelings are just that. And we make the big mistake of transposing, our emotions, our feelings, even our experience of something onto the thing itself, and having the ability to separate my emotions. My feelings about a situation about a person from the objective reality of that thing, that person is a very important step in life, in general, by the way crack. It also as it relates to how I view other people that I had by the way, this happens all the time. A person tells me about somebody else, they had a negative experience that you can tell me, but they had a negative experience that person, but that doesn't mean that person's about person, it just means that you had a negative experience. Somebody else might have had a very positive experience and by the way, you know, I get so it always makes me laugh. I have had this conversation very recently with two people. And I was talking to them about their relationship with their parent, with their mother and both cases. And they were saying, terrible mother terrible, terrible mother. And he says, but by the way, if you I asked all my friends, they would have said she's the best mother ever, and she's the best person ever. So, Even in telling that story you begin to realize, it's all the subjective experiences. Yes. You can say I exist in your past experiences, right? The person that loves the mother that the sun doesn't love his own mother, who knows what his mother was like, right? Maybe, that's exactly what he wants. You don't know why people respond to what they write on to bottom line. That is when somebody can tell a story where he is even relating that his mother in his opinion, he doesn't use those words, right? But his mother was a terrible mother but his friends, all loved her, that is a clear indication. That is a very subjective. Experience, not reality. And I think one of the ways to begin, judging less. And speaking negatively less is by really, really working through the separation and the diffusing of my emotions. My experience from, what is an objective reality? Well, I think I want to leave you with this one last tool. And it's been around for a while. It's known as the Socrates triple filter test Socrates, thought that a person must ask themselves the following questions before they say anything. Number one, am I sure that what I am about to say is true? To is what I am going to say, a good thing 3. Do I really need to say it and does it useful? I must really good thing to check ourselves with. Absolutely. And taking this to the big picture, imagine a world where nobody judges another person where nobody speaks negatively about other people, you will find that most of the pain in this world than certain. They're even the biggest problems in the world. All stem from the fact that people group of people Judge others speak negatively about others and that's the big picture on the in our daily lives. I hopefully we have shared some of the both tools with spiritual understandings and why it is actually dangerous to whatever degree that we spend time looking outside of ourselves, not focusing internally on our own change. Judging other people join judgment ourselves speaking, negatively about others during judgment and lack and in darkness ourselves, it's just not worth it. So, My hope is that by listening to this podcast, our listeners are even more inspired to focus inward to diminish. The amount of time that they and I would do this test, and I was think about it at least four steps that I would ask all of our listeners to take. One. If you are judging at least, don't speak about it, to others, to try to find yourself or push yourself towards judging less relating to that step through I would say start finding even if it's difficult some empathy for the people that you had previously would currently judge and forth, can you get to a state where you do not judge or at least towards a state where you are actually not judging and you will find I To forget about what other people experience from you, what they hear from you, your life, your life will be measurably improved. Also, I personally, I think personally for years I felt the people misunderstood or took away different things from what my intention was. And I think that was because I was being judged, right? So that's the other thing if you're busy judging something somebody or situation then no matter what they do. If it's right or wrong your Going to already be judging them, right, because that's the lens of what you're looking through and I couldn't understand where the disconnect was. And I spent a lot of things that I am thinking about why I like, I meant this, why am I being received differently? And sure there were takeaways, for me of what I need to change and what I need to improve. And then Karen, your mom said this and I thought it was really powerful. She said, if you say something to three people and then ask them what they heard, you say, you will most likely get three different answers, none of which maybe even correct. The reason for this is that most of us Here with our mind, and we interpret what we receive through a filter of who we think we heard. And what we think we heard that Prince really powerful today. Take the time and decide to listen with your heart. You may even receive the message you were asking for. And there it was there was a misalignment of heart and mind in the way I was communicating and that quote is stuck with me for years, and I have been slowly peeling away, the layers and I will continue to do that with this knowledge, but I think it's a great guide for Being aware of what we hear and who we think we're hearing it from. You know, sometimes we disregard something that's, really powerful, really powerful much is because the person who said it and what we think about them, especially if it's a negative thought, absolutely beautiful. And I would like to actually also share a quote that I read from Dr. Mark, Hyman, I like to call myself a pathological Optimist, our thoughts are transferred into our biology, which means generosity serve. As an Is a make us healthier from the inside out all while giving us more joy in life and it is very much related to words together pathological Optimist, yes, yes and ideas in science is now saying what the spiritual teachers have been teaching for thousands of years that how we think, especially as it relates in regards to this podcast, judging others and all that negativity actually makes its way into my biology. So forget about Not judging others for their sake. Exactly. For your own sake, yes. So, I would also like to share quickly. Hey, one of our listeners wrote this, on Apple podcast review, its title enlightening and captivating. Every time I listen to an episode, I learned something new or think of things with a different perspective. I love this podcast. It's like reading a great book and coming away with a new world view. Now I love. Thank you, Mel that's so nice. Thank you, Mel and this is The perfect opportunity to remind our listeners to send your questions comments. Story compliments to Monica and Michael at kabbalah.com/rh and Malcolm are not calm. We read the emails. It inspires us, and we have the opportunity to share them with other Sinners. I know they're inspires them as well. So please continue to send questions, comments stories, compliments to Monica and Michael and kabbalah.com/rh this podcast with everybody, you know. No, from Spotify from Apple podcast where you can and even people, you don't know that's very good people, you don't know. It's a very, I recommend every single one of our listeners. Go to somebody, you don't know. And recommend the potato is stranger to Morrow and tell them about our podcast and it's genius. Yes, that is a great idea. And apple podcast, right five-star reviews. And as always, I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording space, especially angry.